Friend on Facebook

“Friend on Facebook”

I met you a long time ago
I didn’t much like you then
I was glad when we graduated
I’d not see you again
But this Internet era
Has only brought you nearer
And so on Facebook you pretend
That we were ever really friends —
But what makes it so much worse is that I found out …
your life turned out… awesome…

My more successful high school friend on Facebook
You’re my more successful high school friend on Facebook

(It’s not fair!)
You were always such a jerk
(It’s not fair!)
You should be out of work
Living in a trailer park,
Paying interest to a loan shark

(It’s not fair!)
I bet you’re happy with your life
(It’s not fair!)
With all your money and trophy wife
Why’d you have to go and find me
I just wanted to leave you behind me

My more successful high school friend on Facebook
You’re my more successful high school friend on Facebook

(It’s not fair)
I’ll bet you’re so damn proud of yourself
(It’s not fair)
But do you remember how you failed Health?
Beating kids up who were littler than you
When you weren’t busy huffing glue

(It’s not fair)
You’re taking pictures of your dinner plate
(It’s not fair)
As if we care what you just ate
Your e-mail address is whitehouse.gov
Why does the world show you so much love?

My more successful high school friend on Facebook
You’re my more successful high school friend on Facebook

I’ll bet you don’t even remember anymore
Just what  a total prick you were
You already had a million other friends
So why’d you have to reconnect with me again?

I’m tired of reading all your little status updates
And I’m not really interested in how your life turned out great
And it’s wonderful to hear about your Pulitzer Prize
And I have to agree that your kid has your eyes
But could we stop talking about the Fulbright you won
Or how diving in the Caymans is so much fun
You’re in the Thirty Under Thirty in “Forbes” magazine
But “you’re keepin’ it real” and you say what you mean
Why don’t we give it a rest, I think we can all agree
That you’ve gone way past all the slobs like me
There’s just one thing I gotta know, if you’d so kind
If you’ve got such a beautiful body and mind
How come you have to talk it up on a stupid website?
Don’t you have something better to do on a Friday night?
And by the way I just put down “syzygy” on a triple word score, bitch.

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