Twit and Twisdom of Twenty-Fourteen

Once again, it’s time to round up our 101 best Twitticisms for the past year!

1. I ekspecially want to ekscape with my expresso, ek cetera.

2. Maybe I am a bit narcissistic, said no narcissist ever.

3. IKEA: Where the chair you build is, eventually, the chair you break.

4. Overall, I enjoyed your haiku, though I did feel it dragged a bit by the end.

5. I don’t care too much for monkeys: monkeys can’t buy me love.

6. This bottle may be a fifth of vodka, but it’s got five fifths of a hangover.

7. A steady diet of cyanide, a commute through minefields, a gun to your head: that’s no way to live.

8. Seattle: like Portland, but with jobs.

9. Katie disliked dark-grape wines… She was a regular Zinfandel infidel.

10. FYI: The CB’s live Christmas show on the Moon has been CANCELLED because it turns out that was just a dream I had. NO REFUNDS.

11. 1984: No butter on bread, butter=fat and fat=bad! 2014: No bread under your butter, bread=carbs and carbs=bad! 2044: Don’t eat food, food=bad!

12. Trying to think of how to update Doesn’t know shit from Shinola for modern times and can only come up with: Doesn’t know a BM from a BMW

13. As a kid, I thought being a leader just meant telling people what to do. Now I know there’s more to it. Like, a private jet and a black Amex card.

14. A bullet train is only as fast as the train ahead of it.

15. Irrationality is why humans do the worst things they’re capable of. Unfortunately, it’s also why they do the best things they’re capable of.

16. Job posting for hair salon: Stylist needed. Must be willing to touch strangers’ heads all day, every day.

17. Maturity mostly consists of concealing how immature you really are.

18. From the Dept. of Automotive and Anatomical Studies: it is better to have an Audi than an outie.

19. It is essential that any new labor-saving technology be absolutely unusable by the previous generation.

20. Turns out our governor had something else in mind than we thought when he said he wanted to get money out of politics.

21. No one can take advantage of you without your permission… But they’re always free to lie to you.

22. MOVIE (n.): A TV show that has enough funding for only one episode.

23. I want to open an online-only retail store that sells only bricks and mortar….

24. I need someone who can love me for what I am: drunk.

25. Let’s always fall back, never spring forward. We’d get out of sync with the sun, but it’d correct in 24 years. Think of all the extra sleep!

26. All it takes is one bad book depository to give them all a lousy image.

27. In the advertising industry, the word “creative” refers to something that’s not.

28. Sam ordered nothing but ice cream at every meal. Eventually, all his teeth fell out. When you get just dessert, you get your just desserts.

29. Headline: 15 Reasons Why Numbered-List Articles Are a Waste of Time

30. Bob suffered from both St. Vitus’s Dance AND St. Elmo’s Fire: he uncontrollably breakdanced whenever a sailboat started glowing in a storm.

31. Does using windchimes make your song smooth jazz, or does playing smooth jazz make you use windchimes?

32. Cisco and Sysco should merge and form a company that serves network routers and switches, cafeteria-style.

33. Live your life so that you wouldn’t be bored by your obituary.

34. Q. What do you call a former men’s tennis champion who’s now Bolivia’s ambassador to the US? A. Arturo. He prefers that to Art or Artie.

35. There’s more than one way to skin a cat… and please, don’t ask me how I know this.

36. How is it we can put a man on the Moon, but we can’t build a working TIME MACHINE???

37. Sign at the Vatican’s gift shop: Shoplifters will be persecuted.

38. Everyone says Be yourself… But then they tell you you have to wear clothes.

39. In real life, David Lynch and David Byrne are the same person.

40. Acoustic piano + acoustic guitar = BFFs. Electric piano + electric guitar = passing acquaintances.

41. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth + beware of Greeks bearing gifts = go ahead and poke that Trojan horse in the mouth with a spear.

42. Warning: You break it, you bought it turns out NOT to mean there’s a way to take ownership of an item besides monetary exchange.

43. I can’t help it: the phrase Texas salad sounds to me like a euphemism for a severe beating, or a blocked septic tank.

44. Proof by convenience: It would be convenient if A were true. Therefore, A is true.

45. Ultimately, any choice is based on something arbitrary. That’s what makes it a choice in the first place.

46. Dear America: can I please pay 25% less for restaurant food in return for portions that are 25% smaller? This is win-win, trust me.

47. Boring yet useful superpower: every store you go to, the staff think you’re related to the owner.

48. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. People in stone houses, however, can throw all the glass they want.

49. My parents refuse to read my latest book, How My Mom and Dad Screwed Up My Life And Never Supported My Dreams. So typical of them.

50. I have one of those couches that can turn into a bed. It can only do it once, though.

51. Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this… but now, with Super-Saver Shipping, you can have it in 3 to 5 business days!

52. John’s brain is a time zone behind. He’ll understand anything you tell him, but only an hour later.

53. Travel books for dumb French people: Le Guide du Retard.

54. I’d like to buy the world a Coke. Unfortunately, they don’t make Cokes that big.

55. I got in a fight with a BuzzFeed editor the other day. I’m not proud of this, but… I kicked him right in the listicles.

56. This little piggy ate ROAST BEEF?? Clearly, there’s no solidarity among herbivores.

57. CONTRACTOR (n.): Someone who will return your phone call only if he’s signed a contract. And maybe not even then.

58. You may be the victim of software-counterfeiting, the Microsoft warning says. What they really mean is THEY may be the victim.

59. We gave each of our party guests a packet of masala powder, turmeric, and other spices. We were shamelessly currying their favors.

60. The Consensus Bureau: we make fan videos for our own songs.

61. Be yourself. Unless you’re a jerk, in which case, for God’s sake, be someone else.

62. I was deeply moved today by an essay I skimmed. If I’d read it in full, I might now be in a coma.

63. Tip for pundits #1: you’re allowed to use the phrase “bottom line” in your think-piece only once.

64. There are no rules in music. Unless you want to sound like someone else. Then the rule is: do what they did, but add your own twist to it.

65. The easy chair was severely damaged: its covering torn, its stuffing ripped out. It had been downholstered.

66. We at The Consensus Bureau are against all forms of representative democracy… AND WE VOTE.

67. The real difference between a human and a computer is that the human stresses out before taking the Turing test.

68. “Based on a true story” = Yup, the thing we based this on truly is a story!

69. Any good story, true or made up, has a certain amount of improbability to it… which is what makes it worth telling.

70. A: Can I get you anything while I’m at CVS? B: Yeah, how about fifteen years of my life back? A: I’ll check at Home Depot.

71. Fall foliage: Nature’s litter.

72. Worst tail job for a private eye: following an unfaithful garbage man on his Monday morning rounds.

73. You only live once… but the photos of your indiscretions live online forever.

74. America’s got talent! … But not dignity.

75. Remind me never to buy the leading brand. I don’t know who those guys are, but every commercial says how inferior their products are.

76. A message to all the people who don’t matter to me:

77. Note from 2014 to 1954: in the future we will send each other instantaneous messages. They will be brief, misspelled, and mostly about food.

78. When asked why he had a child, Mr. Smith replied: To carry on the family name.

79. Sadly, The Consensus Bureau’s Sustainability Initiative has run out of funding.

80. A defective car is a lemon. A defective citrus fruit is a grapefruit.

81. Large, bureaucratic corporation seeks to hire innovative people, frustrate them. Reply if interested.

82. We’re writing a 50-volume series called On the Nature of the Universe. We’re currently on Volume 7: Of Sheep.

83. Potential prog rock/jazz rock album title: “Music to Aggravate a Headache”

84. There’s a kernel of truth to what we’re saying… but take it with a grain of salt.

85. The phrase “petty jealousy” would seem to imply there are also noble jealousies. “That man’s humanitarian achievements should be MINE!”

86. When a midwife goes into labor herself, she is assisted by a quarterwife.

87.In our latest suspense novel, our hero seeks to unravel a conspiracy, but is caught up in forces the reader cannot comprehend…

88. Knowledge is definitely power. For instance, think how many BTUs you can produce by burning textbooks!

89. At The Consensus Bureau, we’re data-driven in everything we do. Except when we commute. Then we’re chauffeur-driven.

90. Remember, kids, “affect” is a verb, “effect” is a noun. So get out there and effect a convincing affect!

91. 95% of humanity: too nice to be a psychopath, not nice enough to be a saint. The real spectrum we’re all on…

92. You may hate the state of Maryland, you should at least Havre de Grace not to say so.

93. The proof is in the pudding, but the 80-proof is in the rum cake.

94. Plural, couscous; singular, couscou.

95. I’m glad all the designers are saying skeuomorphism is dead. Now we don’t ever have to learn what that stupid word meant, or how to say it.

96. We prefer opiate-based children’s games. #hashtag

97. Bad news: you have to pay the piper. Good news: he who pays the piper calls the tune! More bad news: you’ll then have to face the music.

98. Should auld acquaintance be forgot? Well, in the case of my first roommate: yes, absolutely.

99. “Remember, small is beautiful.” “That’s what she said.”

100. The enemy of your enemy is your friend, but the uncle of your uncle is not your aunt.

101. Everything was the same, until one day it was different. Excitement! Eventually, it went back to being the same, but better. #MoviePlot

BONUS TWEETS!

102. They tell me that solipsism is a fallacy… But what would they know? They’re just figments of my imagination.

103. I’m still a long way from my goal of visiting all the countries of Central Asia, but you know what they say: one steppe at a time…

104. Parsippany is the name of a town in New Jersey, but I’ve always thought it sounds like the name of some herb. As in, “This tomato sauce doesn’t have enough parsippany.”

AND BONUS STORY!

I dreamt I was doing stand-up comedy. “I’m going to do an Elvis impression for you,” I told the audience. I whirled around to face them, hunched over, one eye squinted, and began snarling and growling, and clawing at the air. The crowd sat there in stunned silence. “Did I say ‘Elvis’?” I asked them. “I meant ‘zombie Elvis’.”

Twitticisms of previous years:
2012

2013

This entry was posted in Tales of Twitter. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *