Just as we did for 2012, we here present you with our 101 best twitticisms of 2013.
1. To live in the Village is to know that, at any time, not 500 feet from your doorstep, a man may be urinating against a car that isn’t his.
2. Remember when e-mail sig files were this groovy new form of self-expression? “‘Hackneyed quote’ — Famous guy I know nothing about”
3. A coworker of mine once said, “Wal-Mart is evil, until you need to buy a TV and fruit at the same time.”
4. Usually, the only reward for creating something is to know it exists: a good feeling, but the best reward is for others to know it exists.
5. I think I’ll have finally caught up with all the good music made in the Sixties when I’m in MY sixties.
6. Join us if you’re among the 90 million Americans with antichronia: the condition of having no time to do what you need (let alone want) to do.
7. 3D movies: at best, mildly impressive; at worst, bloody annoying.
8. It dawned on him that it had probably been decades since rubber duckies were actually made of rubber.
9. Today’s derivative twaddle beloved by the masses is tomorrow’s forgotten gem cherished by the intelligentsia.
10. Meant to ask if today’s forecast would be like yesterday’s. Instead I said, “Will today be like yesterday, or today?” #NotAMorningPerson
11. Remember when the phrase “information superhighway” existed? I find it hard to believe anyone ever said that aloud without feeling stupid.
12. For only $10,000 a month, you too can become a sustaining member of The Consensus Bureau. Call now!
13. Dear 1990’s: I’m sorry. I didn’t appreciate your music at the time. I agree now that it was awesome.
14. Pandora’s reason for playing me a certain song? It has “mild syncopation”. Sounds vaguely patronizing. Should I be into severe syncopation?
15. Your cheatin’ heart will tell on you. — However, by that point, you’ll be in the Caymans, and beyond the reach of extradition.
16. I strongly suspect that cool old people are cool people who grew old, rather than old people who became cool.
17. Someone should make a crowdfunding website to crowdfund all the new crowdfunding startups.
18. The fact that the name “Sean Bean” doesn’t rhyme, but “Sean John” does, just shows how screwed up English spelling is.
19. Benefit #8 to staying up later than I should: seeing the odd things my cat does at night, like chasing mouse-toys, or making scrimshaw.
20. It must suck to work for Foursquare — I’m sure those people always know where their employees are…
21. Since “LOL” has long been just shorthand for “I find this funny”, I hereby propose “LLOL” for when you’ve *literally* laughed out loud…
22. There should be a book called “From Barbarians to Bankers: The Story of the Lombards”. Guess which part the History Channel would focus on.
23. When you talk about something you love, whether it’s tennis or jazz or stamps, you’re really talking about yourself.
24. Sometimes, I feel as free as a bird. A large, flightless bird. Possibly a dodo.
25. My locksmith friend may not be the best amateur saxophonist, but he can always nail a key change.
26. Fax machine (n.): A device for emitting ear-piercing noises at people who have dialed the wrong number.
27. Music review of a disappointing synth band: “They weren’t exactly new wave, so much as… old ripple.”
28. IKEA: minimalist design at minimalist prices… with minimalist quality and minimalist customer service.
29. When Life gives you lemons… be grateful. I can’t remember the last time Life randomly gave me some free fruit.
30. It’s fashionable to hate hipsters; the first rule of being one is never to say you are one; ergo, they can’t defend themselves. #Checkmate
31. The ’80s were such a California decade. Ditto, the ’60s. The ’40s and ’70s were New York. The ’50s? Totally Iowa. And of course the ’90s were Seattle, one need hardly say.
32. He was not a man to lightly sell his soul; and, in any case, no one was buying.
33. “No standees”, the sign on the bus says. Seems to me it should say “No standers”; it’s the bus that would be a “standee”… #MyOwnStyleBook
34. For some reason, a part of my brain remains convinced that Linda Ronstadt and Liza Minnelli are the same person.
35. Just saw a James Patterson book called “Kill Me If You Can”. If only, James. If only.
36. As a child, I found my father to be cold and distant. But then, he *was* a researcher in Antarctica.
37. I heard it annoys San Franciscans if you call their city anything other than “SF”. FriscoFriscoFrisco. SanFranSanFranSanFran. Is it working?
38. Sign #11 that you may be too cynical: when someone tells you “I have good news!” your first response is “Good for who, exactly?”
39. Democracy is the notion that ordinary citizens can and will take an active interest in their… their, um… I’m bored. Let’s play Xbox.
40. Love this: instead of “Resident”, the junk mail says “To our friends at”. Friends don’t use (or even know) each other’s names, after all…
41. “In today’s stagnant economy, the question is no longer what worked last year, but what worked 500 years ago?” — Medieval business guru
42. ANY job can be outsourced to India: no one is safe. My cousin Ben in Akron, for instance, was a sitar-playing mahout. Never saw it coming.
43. As I stood in the park, a Buddhist monk walked between me and the Gypsy jazz buskers. — This 100% true statement brought to you by NYC.
44. maybe its just me but the way people dont put punctuation in their texts & chats makes their messages seem lifeless to me what do you think
45. Poor a posteriori. A priori gets all the attention.
46. Idea for the ultimate cat toy: edible robotic moths. Now, someone please tell me these already exist.
47. In absolute numbers, New York has more tattoos. But I’m pretty sure Portland has more *per capita*.
48. Seeing the Earth from the Moon must be like seeing Manhattan from Staten Island. You know what you’re seeing, but the POV makes it strange.
49. YouTube blocks me from watching random movies on my big TV because that’s a “mobile” device, while my small laptop is OK. Good one, lawyers.
50. Economist, n.: someone who studies money, instead of making it.
51. Ignorance is nine-tenths of the law.
52. “Of the six textual variants of Codex Philippicus, only one (Bod. B11) has the line, ‘The Lord is my homey; He has my back, yo.'” #IfOnly
A tip of the hat to Dan D., whose response to the above was, “Yet its provenance would seem to argue for its authenticity.”
53. The truth shall set you free. Or possibly just annoy you.
54. Forget avoiding lung cancer: I’m grateful I’m not a smoker just so I don’t have to give strangers free cigs whenever they ask for them…
55. Everyone wants to be part of something bigger than themselves… but not *too* much bigger.
56. In the future, strict religious conservatives will wear jeans and T-shirts. Everyone else will be clad in bodypaint and bionic implants.
57. Confirmed: there are parts of Brooklyn where not only *can* you have a car, you *need* a car.
58. Just bought a chocolate sundae, and a 29% stake in Exxon-Mobil. Because sometimes, you just have to treat yourself to a little something.
59. No matter how many times I see it in print, “Tofurky” still looks like an expletive to me.
60. I submit to you that knowing when to fold them is ONLY possible when you’ve counted before the dealing’s done. #BigData
61. It’s official: making references on T-shirts etc. to cassette tapes has gone from whimsical/clever/edgy to just plain cliched.
62. A similar thing from the ’90s: remember when every band ever had liner notes written in a crappy typewriter font?
63. Being prejudiced is when you stereotype other people. Being inauthentic is when you stereotype yourself.
64. If only, without my asking, someone would send me, free of charge, a guide to fall’s must-have looks, with 25% off all purchases. #OhWait
65. Until now, I’ve never been so aware of the ineffable qualities of the taste of milk. Probably because I was told it’d be beer.
66. I would like to disrupt the overuse of the buzzword “disrupt”.
67. In the future, we’ll be able to post our nightly dreams to Facebook. And some indiscreet people will forget to review them before posting.
68. We’re bringing sexy back! And we expect a full refund…
69. Smoke detector (n.): a device to warn you of the presence in your house of dead batteries. Loudly. At 4:30 AM.
70. I believe in scatological eschatology: the world is going to shit.
71. Well, I woke up one morning and my still was gone. #Blues-grass
72. A Netflick in one hand, dry cleaning in the other, and a blue mailbox in front of me. One of these days, I’m going to get it wrong.
73. There’s a special place in hell for people who wish there were special places in hell for other people.
74. WHEN WILL OUR FUNNY SONGS BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY???
75. We are living in an amazing time right now. There’s just something magic about 2:48 PM.
76. Hey — for every day the federal government is shut down, we get our federal income taxes prorated by a day, right?
77. I have a soupcon that soup’s on.
78. 1) New UX designer is hired. 2) Declares EVERYTHING in the UI must change. 3) Cockiness finally becomes unbearable, gets fired. 4) Repeat.
79. “Q. Where do you fall on the issues?
A. Flat on my face.”
80. “We have no biological children of our own. Instead, we decided to adopt…..robots.”
81. “The Sorrows of Young Werther’s Originals”: a young man runs out of caramels, with tragic results.
82. The Tea Party: trying to govern by default.
83. Led by his PI, the jealous Irishman burst in upon his wife and her lover, who said: “Stop trying to shame us with your shamus, Seamus.”
84. 1) Unlock phone to look up important thing. 2) Get distracted instead by Facebook. 3) Lock phone without looking up important thing. 4) Repeat.
85. From Cimarron / To Cinnaminson / There ain’t no synonym / For “cinnamon”, son.
86. Dance like no one’s looking; but post the photos as if everyone is.
87. Einstein Bros’ Theory of Relativity: as you approach the speed of light, your bagel expands infinitely, to where you just can’t finish it.
88. Eisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle: you can feel like eating lunch there, or you can see an open table there, but *never both at once*. #NYC
89. Every decade is equal parts awful and awesome.
90. You know, you can’t put a price on good music! … Especially not since file-sharing.
91. Everywhere I go, I’m a flash mob of one.
92. If you can’t be original in the art you create, at least be original in the art you steal.
93. Maybe it’s true that a watched pot never boils, but an unwatched file transfer never succeeds.
94. I swore I’d be on guard around our drummer, but once again I got caught by his snare.
95. Sure, I’m complacent. But sometimes I wonder: am I complacent *enough*?
96. Holy crap, is it December already? I forgot to grow a mustache and write a novel. Or possibly write a novel about a mustache, I’m not sure.
97. I’m not into fancy or gourmet chocolates — I just like plain vanilla chocolate.
98. He became less interested in the “critical path” when he discovered this did not, in fact, refer to trash-talking one’s colleagues.
99. You know nothing, John Snow. Except where all the cholera is coming from. #GameOfTuftes
100. If these walls could talk, but they were in a forest, would they make a sound?
101. Some of the best melodies of all time have already been written.
And for a bonus, this one was longer than 140 characters, and so had to be posted to our Facebook page:
ad hominem: when you attack your opponent’s personal traits and ignore the actual points they’re making.
ad Eminem: same as above, but applied to Marshall Mathers.
ad UNM: same as above, but applied to the Lobos.
ad homonym: when you get confused and attack the wrong thing because it has the same name.