Twit and Twisdom of Twenty-Twelve

April 2013 is almost done, but we’ve just now getting around to rounding up our 101 best tweets from 2012.

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1. Plato: music undermines the state. Nietzsche: life without music is a mistake. The CB: life without music undermining the state is a mistake

2. Breaking news: The latest from The Consensus Bureau’s Online Marketing and Biological Warfare Division has gone viral! Watch out!

3. The Consensus Bureau: if obscure bands are your thing, you’re in luck.

4. The Consensus Bureau: Old enough to know better. Young enough to do it anyway.

5. The Consensus Bureau combines the intellectual rigor of rock’n’roll with the fun-lovin’ rhythms of cogent policy analysis!

6. The Consensus Bureau: we shill our music, so you don’t have to.

7. The Consensus Bureau finds that some light reality often provides a much-needed break from the grueling monotony of escapism.

8. The Consensus Bureau is safe for work, but dangerous to play.

9. Filed an amicus brief with the Supreme Court today just to see if they would amicus us back. We expect it’ll be a split decision.

10. This summer, The Consensus Bureau will be opening for Adele. Opening stubborn pickle jars for her, that is.

11. According to the #1940census, the Consensus Bureau’s great-great-grandparent corporation was a rapacious industrial conglomerate! Ah, family

12. The Consensus Bureau: You can’t spell “consensus” without a basic grammar school education.

13. Unlike other bands, The Consensus Bureau promises to never harvest its fans’ organs for cash. Again.

14. This joke is not being tweeted voluntarily: we are being held at pun-point.

15. Consensus Bureau side project: a band that makes hardcore covers of easy-listening songs. Name: The Doodletown Lifers.

16. The Consensus Bureau is NOT prone to making melodramatic statements, and if you ever say that about us again, we will HATE YOU FOREVER!!!

17. We at The Consensus Bureau DO give a damn about any trumpet-playin’ band. We happen to be one, for starters.

18. We make music using whatever objects we find lying around our basements – guitars, drums, synthesizers, absolutely anything.

19. Scientists analyzing all 8 million songs ever made confirm that the best is Yello’s “Oh Yeah”. Mozart’s Mass in C Minor was a close second.

20. When will Lands’ End finally realize that they’ve mispunctuated their name?

21. Mundane uses for a time machine: no more need for a snooze button, sleep as long as you like, and still get to work on time.

22. Mundane uses for a time machine, #2: Your overdue library books can be on time after all.

23. The Transit of Venus is all right, but we find that Mars’s subway system is more reliable.

24. Mundane uses for a time machine, #3: Follow your past self around to see where you last put your keys.

25. We propose that, henceforth, the people of Toronto be known as the Torontonii.

26. That moment when you wonder why everyone on Twitter starts their tweets with the phrase “That moment when”.

27. The Oxford comma is cool, but you haven’t lived until you’ve tried the Cambridge semicolon.

28. Remember the days before Facebook? You’d have to phone up each of your friends individually and ask them to fax you a photo of their dinner.

29. Pairwise, a pair o’ guys went to Paraguay to paraglide. #UtterNonsense

30. They only love you when you’re dead: if Madame Tussaud’s was a forgotten attraction, it would get wistful tributes from intellectuals.

31. Dear 20th century: your music is great, keep up the good work! — Oh, wait. Damn.

32. Viagra makes an old bookie more vigorish.

33. Thanks to the special mints I’ve developed, whose aroma is irresistibly alluring, I can now await people’s responses with *baited* breath.

34. Transindentalism: the belief that self-fulfillment can only be brought about through proper kerning.

35. They say bugs confuse porchlights with the Moon. Evidently, if bugs ever made it to the Moon, they’d bang themselves against it all night.

36. Enough about me, let’s talk about you. Originally used only in a formal or plural context, this pronoun began to replace “thou” circa 1500–

37. MacBook (n.) : A more stylish way of running Windows, Office, and many other Microsoft products.

38. For a band of philosopher-punks: “The Repugnant Conclusion”  #HypotheticalBandNames

39. help help i’m being mugged! i think he wants my iPh

40. Now, is it just me, or — Wait a minute. It is DEFINITELY just me. Never mind.

41. “OK, ma’am, try smelling his breath NOW and tell us what you think.” — Clinical trials for cat treats. Which I’m sure MUST exist.

42. It was the “Choose Your Own Adventure” books that first taught me you could hate a font.

43. Any bar that can’t spell “Yuengling” right should lose their liquor license. Or at least give me a free one for pointing it out to them…

44. Required headwear by musical genre: house/space helmet; country/ cowboy hat; Lady Gaga/3-foot-wide papier mache lobster with sequins.

45. My sleep cycle is so out of whack these days that I now find myself getting tired when I ought to go to bed.

46. Anytime I say “I’m a huge fan”, a part of me wants to follow it up with, “Uh, but my body mass is appropriate for my height and weight.”

47. Introducing breakfast pastries with crunchy bits of sitar baked in. We call them… Raga-Muffins!

48. (Not to be confused with Reggae-Muffins. You can guess what the secret ingredient there is.)

49. Their Eyes Were Watching TV #LessAmbitiousNovels

50. This sentence is a perfect palindrome, reading the same forwards and backwards! #UtterLies

51. “There are only two jazz songs: the fast one and the slow one.” — Me as a teenager. I like jazz a whole lot more now, but I must admit…

52. “The Mildews”: their look would be Edward Gorey/Charles Addams. And of course they’d use a theremin. #HypotheticalBandNames

53. “Wit is truth to advantage dressed.” — Alexander Pope / “Advertising is useless stuff to advantage dressed.” — The Consensus Bureau

54. An unreliable rifle with a high chance of misfiring is probaballistic.

55. What did people do to look purposeful and poised while standing around in public waiting, before there were smartphones? My guess: smoke.

56. I can’t help wondering if the number that Rikki shouldn’t lose is 867-5309.

57. Basement, n.: 1. A device for collecting groundwater during a storm. Hence: 2. A place to destroy objects with plausible deniability. “I never did like Aunt Mabel’s throw rug, let’s put it in the basement.”

58. ‘Tis the season to use archaic contractions.

59. Coming soon, The Consensus Bureau’s must-read novel: FIFTY DAVINCI CODES OF VAMPIRE HUNGER THRONES. Something for everyone!!

60. Whenever people start a story with “Back in the day”, I assume they mean Saturday.

61. New proposed terminology: if you’re turning 20 years old this year, and your birthday is on the 20th, then this is your “birthday equinox”.

62. If Francis Ford and Sofia became architects, they could design a coupla Coppola cupolas.

63. Follow us on Tweetbook. Face us on InstaLike. Share us on TwitFace.

64. “Joining us for lunch?” “Nope. I just ate, myself.” #VERYImportantCommas

65. Generally, the people who know all the words to a given song also know better than to sing that song out loud on the subway. Conversely —

66. All software has bugs, except spambots. You never see a spam message saying, “DO **NOT** BUY V1AGRA CHEEEAP! READ A BOOK INSTEAD.”

67. Adventures in Over-literalism: saw an ad saying, “Your coffee break will never be the same.” I assume they’re promising infinite variety.

68. The only graceful past tense of “to troubleshoot” is “We did some troubleshooting”, as “troubleshooted” and “troubleshot” both sound dumb.

69. Who is this woman “Susan”, and why do people keep giving her black eyes and calling her lazy? People, she’s suffered enough!

70. At first the piranha frightened me; but soon enough, I had it eating the palm of my hand.

71. One man’s meat is another man’s poison. — Unless E. coli is involved, in which case that meat is every man’s poison.

72. When I said that one good turn deserves another, I meant I wanted you to do me TWO favors.

73. People say the phrase “It is what it is” has no meaning, but I’ve never heard anyone make a similar complaint of the song “Que Sera Sera”…

74. Acting aggrieved is how you get your way in life. And the great thing is, the older you get, the less of an act it is.

75. Musical pet peeve: songs about a musical instrument that don’t actually feature that instrument.

76. The Consensus Bureau: we make music. For your EARS.

77. Impossible dream #219: Collaborate with Bill Payne so we can release a song called “Happy Feet feat. Little Feat”.

78. Hey everyone, let’s all screw with marketers who do text-mining of social media content! “I LOVE TACO BELL & MY ROLLS-ROYCE & MY 9 KIDS!”

79. Coming soon from The Consensus Bureau: “Downtempo Grooves, Vol. 7: Music for the Stylishly Bored”

80.  fungible (adj.): able to be converted into fungi.

81. Producer (n.): someone who tells someone else to produce something.

82. I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony… and to not say “eck cetera”.

83. Human cloning is the best way to discover yourself.

84. Looking forward to publishing my new treatise, “The Futility of Human Communicxzfrk.”

85. Q. “What is the world coming to?” A. “A complete stop.”

86. The Beatles say all you need is love. But all I need is “All You Need Is Love” by The Beatles. Those guys were dead wrong.

87. After several first-degree burns and a melted file cabinet, I’ve decided to use only acid-free paper from here on out.

88. The difference between “amateur” and “underground artist” is in the eye of the curator.

89. Corporate deathbed confession: “I never did learn… how to make… a pivot table.”

90. Forthcoming monograph to analyze classic court-room cinema: “Anatomy of ‘Anatomy of a Murder'”.

91. Even taxes aren’t inevitable — civilization could collapse. But hassles? Yes, always. So: Nothing is certain but death and hassles.

92. The Consensus Bureau: just a vertebra or two past the tip of the Long Tail.

93. Twitter is basically a slightly slower version of a live chatroom. That, and it allows you to spam celebrities and journalists.

94. “Maybe the wrinkles will fall out with wear.” #ThingsITellMyself

95. If you have your midlife crisis at age 25, does that mean you have to die at age 50?

96. When figures of speech break down: “Man, I’d give my right arm to play piano like that.”

97. When figures of speech break down, part 2: “He got to second base with Jenny, but then he struck out.”

98. Attn world: we do NOT need any further remakes, or “set in the world of” homages/rip-offs of “The Wizard of Oz”. Trust me on this one.

99. That rabbit that’s roaming around in Gene’s garden — it shan’t eat Shalit’s shallots, shall it?

100. I’ll be so glad when this Mayan calendar comes to an end, so we can finally start talking about the Aztec calendar.

101. Memo to Hollywood: an idea for a new movie is not the same thing as a new idea for a movie.

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3 Responses to Twit and Twisdom of Twenty-Twelve

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